Man on Third

Birds are Weak -- My Wife On The NFL Playoffs and Mascots

Last Sunday night, my wife -- let’s call her Amy (because that’s her name) -- and I went on our semi-regular Sunday night date-night.  Sundays work best for our babysitter and we’ve actually found it works for us since we’re most tired on Sunday after a weekend with our son.  There are downsides to Sunday, mostly that shopping closes early (good plan Neil) and I miss any good football games that are on.  Amy will tell you that each week I somehow manage to find a restaurant with a TV showing the game – and she’d be correct.  So, this past week we are sitting at a new pizza place while my eyes dart past her head to check out the score. 

The truth is, while I watch football, as you may have noticed from the NAME OF MY BLOG, I’m much more of a baseball guy – actually I live for baseball.  Football is just something I watch when match-ups are good or the NY Giants are playing particularly well – which means I didn’t watch a lot of football this season.

While it’s very important to me that Amy understand the true greatness of Buster Posey and Derek Jeter or why Tim Lincecum is declining because the differential between his fastball and change-up has narrowed, I don’t put any pressure on her to understand football.  All marriages have this type of give-and-take I imagine.  I replay great baseball moments and make her watch Brandon Crawford go into the hole at short (she LOVES Brandon) and in return I know that Christian Louboutin designs amazing shoes and is not a hockey player. 

Part of the wonder of being married to Amy is hearing her takes on sports.  They are   always unique and entertaining.  Here’s a near verbatim conversation we had, while eating pizza, about the NFL match-ups this week.  Please note I strongly encourage you NOT to make any wagers on her picks – though she will happily take the credit if she’s right.

Green Bay Packers vs. San Francisco 49ers

“I gotta go with the Packers.  I know we live in the Bay Area but I gotta go with the Milwaukee’s Best crowd over some Merlot-drinking fans (I remind her that 49ers beat Green Bay in the season opener but that doesn’t seem to matter).  And what are Packers anyway? (At this point she grabs her iPhone to google how the Packers got their name which is here).  Oh, did you know why they are called Packers? (Me: no; that’s interesting -- at this point during dinner she’s reading me the entire Wikipedia entry).  And the 49ers, that’s a strange name.  Maybe they should have been called the San Francisco Merlots…whatever.  My sister just had a baby in Wisconsin and that’s good luck so I’m going with the Packers.  And anyway, what’s with the 49ers new quarterback and all his tattoos.  I like tattoos as much as the next person but he went a bit overboard.  Aaron Rogers is just cuter in my opinion and he deserves to win.  The 49ers coach seems mean – why did he take out the other guy, what’s his name (it’s Alex Smith sweetie)?  He didn’t do anything wrong, just got a concussion right? Didn’t they go really far in the playoffs last year? I think that’s unfair to him, so they deserve to lose.” 

Amy’s pick: Packers (she doesn’t understand spreads so we’re going straight up here)

Houston Texas vs. New England Patriots

“I’m going Texas on this one.  (Really?  They are huge underdogs).  Isn’t it interesting that both teams use the red/white/blue colors? It’s like U.S.A. vs U.S.A. so that makes picking the winner harder.   I’m tired of the pretty boy and his super model wife.  Really, what more do they need?  And he left Bridget Moynihan who’s actually kind of prettier than Giselle and that’s just wrong, so he doesn’t deserve to win.  Too bad Eli can’t beat him again.  Remember the party we went to last year and Alex wore his Eli jersey? That was fun.  We have to get him a cute jersey this year but not if the guy with the tattoos is in the SuperBowl, but they won’t be because Green Bay is going to beat them.  Anyway, Pretty Boy gets everything he wants and the Texans seem sad with their quarterback never winning. I’m going with Texas.  They have a cool slogan, lower taxes, so let’s go with the Texans.”

Amy’s pick: Texans

Seattle Seahawks vs. Atlanta Falcons

“This is a tough one because it’s bird-on-bird violence. (WTF?)  Falcons…Seahawks… I don’t get why so many teams have birds as mascots…birds are weak. Who likes birds, besides our son?   Seriously, how tough can you be with a bird as your mascot?  Eagles, Cardinals, I like the teams from the mid-west…is that the Central Division?  Bears, Lions, Bengals, Panthers those are some tough animals.  Vikings are cool.  Don’t even get me started about fish mascots unless you’re like a shark or a killer whale….remember that shark we saw in Hawaii in the pond at the hotel named Bruce? Do you think he’s ok? (I have no idea sweetie).  I hope he’s out there doing ok.  Do you think they let him back into the ocean too soon?  And the teams with Native American mascots like the Redskins, no surprise there that the Braves always lose and RGIII tore up his knee.  You can’t expect good things to happen if you’re disrespectful like that.  Who comes up with these mascot names anyway?

But seriously, Cardinals?  Can you give your team a weaker name?  And are there even Cardinals in Arizona?  If they’re going to use a bird, shouldn’t it be some type of bird that likes cactus?  I don’t like snakes but at least the Diamondbacks fit the area (she just switched sports).  But, I’ll tell you something, Neil (Amy often uses my name when she wants to emphasize something) there’s nothing worse than the St. Louis Cardinals – seriously, they have two Cardinals sitting on a bat on their uniform, is that the dumbest thing ever?  No wonder the Giants beat them – they were probably too embarrassed by the “birds on a bat” shirts that they couldn’t focus.  Man, that’s the worst, I actually feel bad for them.  Well, we had Buster Posey anyway, and Marco Scutaro…remember when you didn’t talk to me for an entire season because you thought I jinxed Mariano Rivera and Scutaro hit a walk off homer off him, guess I knew something about Scutaro, huh? 

You gotta take the Falcons here – much cooler bird since I’m forced to pick one of the birds.  I’m worried that the Seahawks will be too busy drinking coffee, talking about the environment and listening to Pearl Jam.  Atlanta is a much tougher town, they ain’t playing around, plus better bird so gotta go with the Falcons. “

Amy’s pick: Falcons

Baltimore Ravens vs. Denver Broncos

“This one is tough because even though birds are weak, they can always beat a horse just by flying away.  Did you know that Peyton has played for two teams with a horse as a mascot?  Do you think he thinks about that? He’s going to have issues if he goes to another team.  Is there another horse team?  Maybe he can just go to any team with a large mammal and that will be ok for him.  I bet he hates bird teams.   He’s had a great year though, coming back from neck surgery.  I think that surprised a lot of people.  Maybe Eli should get his neck checked out. My only worry here for the Broncos is that I lived in Baltimore for four years and that’s one tough town. What’s up with Ray Lewis anyway?  That dance - really?  And I don’t get that everyone loves him even though he killed someone and Barry Bonds just took some drugs and everyone hates him.  That doesn’t seem fair. I mean really, Neil, do we really care about steroids and who makes the Hall of Fame?  But at the end of the day, I just can’t go for a Raven who eats dead animals and Edgar Allen Poe was overrated so I gotta go Peyton and the Broncos. Horse over bird Neil.

Amy’s pick: Broncos

There you have it from the expert. 

I had three thoughts during this time.

1)   Can I eat her pizza slices too

2)   Can’t wait for her predictions on the AL East (2 birds, one fish, and one team named after smelly clothing – looks like my Yankees have it wrapped up)

3)   I love my wife

Enjoy the games everyone.

Neil

Kobe Claus is Coming to Town

This article was first published at The Good Men Project.

Yeah, maybe Sandy Koufax didn’t pitch on Yom Kippur, but everyone works holidays now. Why shouldn’t the NBA?

This past Sunday, Bruce Jenkins, a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, wrote about his disdain for David Stern’s scheduling of multiple NBA games on Christmas Day. In his column he said that Stern “who celebrates Hanukkah, has no real feel for Christmas in the first place.” (Editors note: we would link to the column directly, but it has since been taken down. Here is Deadspin’s take on it.)

Jenkins followed this not-so-veiled anti-semitic remark (for which he has since apologized) with a quote from former Lakers coach Phil Jackson: “Your little kids are putting batteries in their new toys, all kinds of family stuff going on, and now you’re supposed to get focused on a game in the middle of the afternoon?”

There are many flaws in Mr. Jenkins’ and Jackson’s statements, least of which is the fact that the NBA has been playing games on Christmas since 1947, when the New York Knicks beat the Providence Steamrollers. It’s safe to assume that Mr. Stern’s Jewish-ness had no role in that game unless he borrowed Dr. Brown’s DeLorean and went back in time.

Secondly, I’m sorry, Mr. Jackson, but I find it hard to believe that professional athletes who play in front of thousands of people every night, and millions more on TV, get so discombobulated by hanging with their kids for a few hours that they can’t focus on their jobs.

Jenkins’ ill-conceived commentary does, however, highlight a relevant question. Should professional sports be played on religious and other national holidays, and has the recent trend of playing more and more games on holidays gone too far? And what if an athlete chooses not to play a game scheduled on a religious holiday?

Let’s take that DeLorean back to October 6, 1965, Game 1 of the World Series. The Los Angeles Dodgers are facing the Minnesota Twins and Sandy Koufax, cominoff what would be another Cy Young award winning season, is expected to pitch.

Only it’s Yom Kippur, the holiest of days for Jewish people, a day that Koufax never works. Game 1 would be no different—Koufax didn’t pitch. (Just imagine Justin Verlander refusing to pitch Game 1 of the World Series this year, although, come to think of it, maybe he should have.)

Koufax wasn’t the first (Hank Greenberg) or the last (Shawn Green), but if you’re Jewish like me, you learned about Sandy Koufax’s decision before you knew how to walk. You were reminded every Yom Kippur about his sacrifice when you whined that you wanted to go out and play ball with the other kids. And the story certainly wasn’t hurt by the fact that Koufax, despite not pitching the first game, went on to be the Series MVP, pitching Game 2 and throwing complete game shutouts in both Game 5 and 7, the last on TWO days’ rest.

Koufax—and athletes like him—should be commended for doing what he believed was important to his faith. That’s a lesson we can all embrace and teach our children. I’d like to believe that Koufax would make the same decision today, although given the salaries involved now and the beating he would take on Twitter, it would be a much different and more difficult scenario.

Either way, for Koufax and any other athlete, it’s their choice.

I must admit, however, that I don’t really understand the rationale for not holding sporting events on holidays, including Christmas.

First, above all, professional sports is big business, and it’s clear based on TV ratings and game attendance that there’s money to be made for any league scheduling games on holidays. As fans, we enable these games because we consume them like Cookie Monster in a bakery. If this weren’t the case, there wouldn’t be any games—case closed.

Let’s also recognize that times have changed since 1965 and holidays now are mostly commercial opportunities for large corporations. Big box retailers now open on Thanksgiving night (with minor protest), fewer and fewer stores seem to close on holidays, even Christmas, and new “holidays” pop up every year – witness the acceptance of Black Friday, CyberMonday and Superbowl Sunday. Even something as devastating as breast cancer has been completely commercialized when, during the month of October, the world, including football players’ cleats, armbands and any other convenient uniform accessory, turns pink. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the commercialization of our holidays is here to stay, that is as long as we continue to consume what’s being offered.

Whether it’s football now three days a week, five NBA games on Christmas, baseball throughout the Hot Stove winter, two-days of televised coverage of the NFL draft, or watching 12-year old boys play baseball, we’ve demonstrated that, collectively, we crave to be entertained 24/7. We’re not just watching either—we’re playing fantasy, tweeting, and launching witty status updates. Our “always-on” society demands that people work on holidays to keep the machine running smoothly. If fire fighters, police, doctors, nurses, baristas etc. all work on holidays, it’s only fair that our favorite NBA players should have to do their jobs as well—and for a lot more money.

At the end of the day, sports are one of the ways many families bond. At some point during every holiday, we’ve stuffed our faces, we’re tired of Uncle Tony’s war stories, mom’s already nagged us to no end that we don’t come home enough, and sports offers us the perfect way to escape for a few hours and hear our father go on and on about how the games used to be played. That, my friends, is what holidays are all about.

Flashback to Christmas Day 1985. A 13-year old boy sits with his father and older brother in the last row of Madison Square Garden and watches an epic double-overtime win. His favorite team, the New York Knicks, defeat the soon-to-be world champion Boston Celtics. Led by rookie Patrick Ewing, the Knicks overcome a 25-point deficit.

The night before, Celtic Kevin McHale defies league orders and refuses to travel with the team to New York, choosing to spend Christmas Eve and morning with his family to open presents. He takes a 9am shuttle to New York and arrives in plenty of time to score 29 points and grab 14 rebounds.

McHale’s potential game-winning shot, however, is blocked at the buzzer by Ernie Grunfeld to seal the Knicks’ victory. (Grunfeld is Jewish, of course.)

Thank you David Stern.

It's Not Breaking News...It's Just Broken

I remember exactly where I was.  It was April 1999 and I was at my first National Sales Meeting for Genentech.  I was two months into my new job and this was my first big meeting.  I was in awe of how grand it was. I felt quite small not knowing mostly anyone and listening to all of these "grown-ups" talking about new medicines and laughing at jokes I didn't get.  But, what I really remember is passing a TV in the hotel bar and watching Columbine unfold.  Kids running through a high school shooting other kids and teachers.  Why would they do that? (Read this excellent book if you want more.)  I remember few things about Columbine, but I remember Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold – the killers. 

Since then, there have been too many mass killings to count, including Virginia Tech, Aurora and now the horrific massacre at a Connecticut elementary school killing 26 people, including 20 children.  I'm incredibly sad and angry – these killings are the very definition of senseless.  On some level, my brain can comprehend a lover's quarrel ending in tragedy or a fight over drugs or money, but I can't understand killing innocent people – it's terrorism, plain and simple.  I read my friends posts on Facebook and terror is what they feel.  It's what I feel.  Terrorism is patently unfair.  It's the ultimate "wrong place, wrong time" and it hits us all in the gut because there's nothing that separates us from the victims except luck and circumstance. 

I keep wondering if there is something we can do.  There's an obvious discussion to have about gun control (Am I the only one that wishes President Obama had a little more Andrew Shepherd in him?) – everything I’ve read points to data that less guns equals less shootings, but I’m open to other viewpoints.  For me, though, let's make these very troubled people try to figure out how to kill 26 people with a bow-and-arrow or a slingshot.  There are other important issues that need to be considered such as the state of the mental health system in the United States, and perhaps even the long-term effect of bullying and being alienated from the rest of society. These conversations need to happen, but given that according to Mother Jones there have been 62 mass murders in the U.S. since 1982, I frankly am not one to believe that anything is going to change.  Shouldn’t Columbine, or Aurora, or Wisconsin have been enough for people to move to action?   

I think we can all do something else.  Stop paying attention.  We’re giving the killers exactly what they want – to be remembered.  I’m no Clarice Starling, but I have to think that some of these people committing these heinous acts are seeking the attention and notoriety that they have never gotten.  They’ve spent their life at some level wanting to be “known” and to fit in.  I can almost hear them saying “You won’t ignore me now.” 

I’m not covering new ground here and I’m not the first to say this.  But, I’m tired of the media template for these tragic events – the cut-in breaking news, photos of kids running from a building, interviews with random people who know nothing about what’s happening, the focus on numbers, numbers, NUMBERS – basically begging the next deranged murderer to try to “beat” Virginia Tech; the useless talking heads who seemed to have been sitting by the satellite hook-up waiting for a shooting to occur; the photo montage with the “sad” music as the newscast goes to commercial break; the on-the-scene reporter in their “casual” clothes because you know, they’re with the people; the neighbor saying “he was a quiet boy but we’d never expect this”; the call for gun control; the PTSD experts; my new favorite, the aerial Google earth shot while a “reporter” telestrates what happened like it’s a fucking Sunday Night Football Game; the Presidential visit, the flowers by the school fence; and the memorial service; and of course – the fact that none of these media outlets will be talking about this tragedy within five days.  But, what we do get is endless coverage of the killers – we hear a lot more about James Holmes (Aurora) and Jared Loughner (Arizona) then we do their victims.  Can any of you reading this post even name a victim of Columbine? Virginia Tech? Aurora? Arizona (besides Gabby Giffords?)

So let’s make the media change their script.  Don’t watch!  Don’t post on Facebook or Twitter or run to a scene so you can post a photo to Instagram.   There’s someone out there right now, sitting in his room, alienated from the world, who is planning and plotting something the rest of us can’t even fathom.  The media, and us by extension, is practically giving him the playbook on how to get known.  Maybe, just maybe, if there is no promise of infamy, and if the killers have to think of what to do with their own brain, they might do something else, something less grand.     

I realize that this is highly unlikely. I’m not saying the media shouldn’t cover this type of story – but they should think about their role in future events.  In our information-right-now society, it’s incredibly difficult to comprehend not having all the details of an event exactly when we want them.  Perhaps the media can start small by not glorifying the killer’s name – just call him “the killer”; don’t brand each tragedy with a name and logo, perhaps, just maybe, cover it like news vs. an event.  And all of us in return can pledge to only watch and read the media outlets who do it right – viewership matters because each of us represents $$ to them.  The shows that we don’t get our viewership will either adapt or go away.

The media will tell you that Newtown is a national tragedy.  It’s not.  It’s beyond tragic for the people affected, but if the rest of us are able to go to work on Monday than – I’m sorry – it’s not our tragedy even if we are sad and upset.  Cover the news locally where it matters, focus on the macro elements like gun control and the mental health system, but lay off the all the details.  I can live with that.  Can you?

Until then, it’s not breaking news, it’s just broken. 

My final thought. I understand why everyone is posting on Facebook that they’re going to hug their children tighter; I think that’s great, and realize it’s a mostly an expression of love and you likely hug your kids ever day.  It’s not enough.  We need to go further.  Hug your neighbor’s kids too.  Take an interest.  The next time the Starbucks barista screws up your no-foam latte or the young pimple-faced kid bags your groceries without ever looking up, say thank you, ask them how their doing, show them appreciation, tell them you like their t-shirt.

You just never know.

NC

 

 

Mr. Dad Strikes Back -- On the Language of Parenting

Special Guest Blog by My Mom

This week I published my 10^th “Man on Third” blog post.  Like many things in life, when I started the blog, I didn’t quite know where it was going to go and how I’d feel about it.  I’ve learned that I really like to write about things that are important to me and I hope that at least for a few minutes I’ve entertained you and made you think. 

One of the absolute unexpected outcomes of my blog is that I’ve learned that my mom has some strong and great “takes” about many topics – well, I actually already knew that – but I didn’t expect that my blog would spur her to write and share these opinions with me.  It’s been a true joy.  And now, with her permission, I’m going to share her response to my latest blog “Bizarro World” with all of you.  As you’ll see, she’s quite the expert in parenting (just ask her) having four adult children and seven grandchildren, and has some pretty profound things to say. 

Take it away Iris!

As the mother of four adult children, two of whom are "Mr. Moms", I want to start by correcting a gross injustice - that of calling fathers who care for their children "Mr. Mom."  By doing so it is giving credence to the assumption that "Mom" is the gold standard of parenting.

Well NEWS FLASH!  It’s 2012 and the world has changed.  Mr. Mom is not the mother and not the nanny.  He is Mr. Dad - a father who is perfectly capable of making the minute-to-minute decisions involved in being a stay-at-home parent or in some cases the only parent in a single parent household.   Mr. Dads are now the new other gold standard along with their Ms. Mom counterparts who have made the life choice of being their child's stay-at-home parent.  If you really want to see this in action, visit the Upper West Side of NYC, ground zero of the freelancer, who in many cases has become a stay at home "Mr. Dad."

Why are Mr. Dads disparaged by Ms. Moms?  I don't know and can only guess.  One guess is that it is difficult to admit that someone who has always been thought of as inferior for the job can actually do the job just as well, and in some cases, even better (Kind of like men accepting women in the workplace at jobs traditionally done by men.  Or thinking that someone can chew gum and still be intelligent.)  It is the realization and acceptance of equality.

The other theory is that it is difficult to let Mr. Dads into the inner circle because Mr. Dads are men, and mothers sitting around coffee klatching or sitting on a park bench in the playground watching their children will not be as free to discuss whatever it is that women discuss when men are not present.  Whatever!

The language we use is an indication of our thinking.  Per the Rev. Jesse Jackson, NY's melting pot has become a "mosaic" where people maintain their identity while becoming part of the whole picture.  Or "handicapped" has morphed into "disabled" and subsequently into "differently abled."  You may say that "a rose by any other name…", but in reality, changing what we call something eventually changes the way we think about it and makes us more enlightened and accepting.  This is the very reason that the expression Mr. Mom should be changed to Mr. Dad.

The fact remains that I see my sons as Mr. Dads and am really, really proud of the terrific fathers they have become.  At the same time I want to give kudos and lots of respect to the moms who work all day at the office then come home to all the joys and stresses of being both a wife and mother and just keep juggling.

Thanks mom – that was a great take. By the way, I chew gum all the time, which may or may not prove your point.    

Readers, let my mom know what you think, she LOVES the feedback and perhaps will spur her to write some more. 

NC

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bizarro World

During the Thanksgiving break, I took my son Alex to a place called CuriOdyssey, which is a small “children’s museum”/zoo type of place with a number of animal exhibits – think a bobcat, not a lion.  We were walking around and came upon a volunteer sitting on a bench.  I noticed that he was cradling a small rat in his arms (the staff at this place often bring out animals for the kids to see up close).  I half jokingly (mostly to myself) said “Gross!” and the following exchange occurred:

Woman standing nearby: “Gross? Really?”

Me: “Yes, I’m from NYC, have taken the subway too many times, so yeah, rats are pretty gross.” 

Woman: “Well, I just don’t think that’s what we want to be teaching our children.”

Me: Blank stare

SERIOUSLY! 

First off, I was so taken aback that I can’t remember what I said.  I’m sure it wasn’t nearly as clever as I imagine it now.  And second, let’s be clear about this, rats are gross (read this and see if you disagree) and YES, I do want to teach this to Alex.  We aren’t going to approach a rat on the street to pet it.  It’s not a golden retriever puppy.

As I thought about this interaction – words conveyed with a condescending tone implying I have no idea how to parent –I have started to wonder if this woman would have said the same thing to another mom vs. a dad who was alone with his son.  I imagine that many moms reading this might say “yes” she would, but I’m not so sure. 

Which brings me to the real point of this story.  Following college, I spent 18 years in the corporate world – a man in a man’s world.  For the past 18 months or so, I’ve been a dad in a mom’s world.  And let me tell you, it’s Bizzaro World.  And perhaps this will get me in trouble, but I feel like the workplace has come along much further for women than the parenting world has come for men (likely due to sheer numbers and the will of Marisa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg – girls please shut up).

When I work at Alex’s co-op nursery school each week, I’m the only dad among 17 parents.   The other 16 are stay-at-home moms.  I imagine that the feelings I get are exactly the same ones that my wife, and many other women in corporate America, must feel when she walks into a meeting with 10 male executives: are they staring at me? How do I prove that I have just as much game as they do? Why do they change the subject when I walk over? Do they talk to each other the way they talk to me like I don’t know what I’m doing?

I know my wife follows sports mostly so she can “throw down” in a meeting of men, the same way I now know the latest research on how to get 2-year olds to share.  My wife likely works harder than a lot of her male counterparts to demonstrate she’s “fully committed” --  in the same way that I go out of my way to show the moms that I can soothe a crying child at school.  I can sing  “Wheels on the Bus”, change a diaper, wash a kid’s hands before snack time.  I am FULLY COMMITTED to this job.   

This is a very long way of telling you, my loyal readers, that this Bizarro world is a topic of immense interest for me because it’s my life right now, and I think we can all learn a lot from thinking about things from different perspectives.   Men may “own” the corporate world, but moms “own” the parenting world.  We need to make in-roads in both directions, not just one.  And, I think, I hope, that I have a unique perspective because I’ve lived in one, and am living in the other.  Both worlds generally share the same behaviors.  A group of corporate men will go out for beers to bond and discuss what happened at work, maybe watch a football game.   For similar reasons, I’m not invited to play dates with Alex.  In the parenting world, the role of moms as the primary caregiver is pervasive – we have a long way to go.  Let me give you one quick example (many more to come in future blogs):

If you’re a parent, go get your copy of “Wheels on the Bus” pop-up book (come on, you all have it) and check out the men in the book.  1) the bus driver and all he says is “Move on Back” and doesn’t even say please or thank you 2) there’s the older guy reading a magazine 3)  the creepy guy with the guitar who apparently is playing his songs at the library.  Now look at most of the women on the bus – what are they doing? That’s right -- they are all caring for their children.  They are parenting (“shhh, shhh, shhh”).   

We have a long way to go, people, and I hope you’ll like my upcoming blogs (don’t worry, I also have other topics planned) on this subject currently titled “Real Men Can’t Have It All Either” (take that The Atlantic article).  And you won’t want to miss my mom’s guest blog later this week on this very subject.   

But there’s one major advantage of being a stay-at-home dad.  Check out this article by CNN – or just ask my wife and she’ll confirm.   

Stay tuned. 

NC

 

 

 

 

Get Up You Son of a Bitch -- About Parenting

“It’s the hardest thing you’re ever going to do.” 

Every parent recognizes this phrase because it’s all you hear before you have a child.  Some people follow with “…but it’s worth it,” while most just immediately change the topic because, I imagine, they just don’t want to think about it. 

Like many phrases that people throw out without really thinking about them (case in point, I was completely unaware of where “drink the Kool-Aid” came from), I can say that there is much truth to the phrase, it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but why? 

What is it specifically about parenting that makes it so hard? Many people throw out the lack of sleep, but for most parents that doesn’t last very long and for me it really wasn’t an issue since I really don’t sleep that much.  There’s the constant worrying.  Having to deal with other parents or for some perhaps they didn’t realize just how physical a job being a parent is.   

I’ve thought about it a lot and I believe that parenting is hard because it’s “priced to perfection.”  Ok, what in the world does he mean?  If you work at a public company or follow the stock market, you’ll often hear that a stock is “priced to perfection.”  In my own layman terms, this means that the stock is perceived (stress: perceived) to be at its ceiling with limited or no upside, however, one small issue/mistake and the stock is going to go down sharply.  In other words there’s no room for error – the stock has got nothing else to give.  Think Apple at $700. 

Parenting is hard because it’s a constant battle for energy – your own.  The physical and mental wear and tear can be debilitating.  You’re constantly at your energy ceiling with no place to go but down. It’s especially the mental part that drains me – am I reading enough to him?  Is he developing ok?  How come other kids can put on their clothes themselves?  Why can’t he use a spoon? Does it matter?  What if he never uses a spoon? Is Angry Birds ok because he’s learning physics?  I can go on, it’s every minute or every day and it’s completely unrelenting and unpredictable.  And, if you’re lucky enough to get a break, all you do is feel guilty for getting the break (well, not all the time). 

Parents reading this should understand.  If you don’t, let me say it a different way, being a parent is like Luke fighting Vader the first time, it’s Andy Dufresne crawling through 500 yards of shit smelling foulness, it’s  Rocky v. Creed, it’s William Wallace with blue face paint, it’s Sgt. Elias running through the jungle, it’s the Apollo 13 crew in the lunar module, it’s General Maximus in the colosseum, it’s DEFCON 1 and the computer is playing tic-tack-toe, it’s Carrie Bradshaw trying to find her favorite Manolos.

Which leads me back to energy.  I find myself now trying to eat differently (not working but thinking about it), trying to work out more (sort of working) and just generally thinking about my energy level a lot more.  And I have it relatively easy, people with demanding full time jobs (like my wife) are totally screwed.  They have so little time to build up their reserves. It’s go go go, all day long.  Not a day goes by when my wife doesn’t say “I just need 5 minutes, just 5 minutes by myself” after a long day at work only to come home to be smothered by her husband and child.  

And at bedtime, when I’m running on sludge, teeth have been brushed, pajamas have been changed, “Wheels on the Bus” has been read five times, my legs burning, my eyes half closed, my words starting to slur, I realize that I forgot to bring up his water, put the laundry in the dryer, unload the dishwasher, pay the bills.  I’m completely sapped of all energy, I’m priced to perfection.  I have nothing left to give. 

Perhaps it’s at this very moment that I should think about my mom who has boundless energy, who if I called at this moment (it would be 1am) would pick up the phone before the second ring as if she was “on call” and tell me not to worry…”this too shall pass” or “just give it a few days, I’m sure it’s nothing.”  But no, I summon another hero, Rocky Balboa’s own yoda, Mickey, and his ever-present words, “GET UP YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH, cause (Alex) loves ya” and my night continues…  

If the above clip is too long for you, check out this from Rocky Balboa instead for a little inspiration.

Oh, and by the way, if it’s not completely obvious, being a parent is absolutely and completely worth it – every minute (even when Alex pooped in a public pool and shut it down for the day)

NC

Blog Postscript – and a MUST read.  My mom (4 kids, 7 grandchildren) read this post and offered the following words of wisdom to me.  She gave me permission to share with all of you.  And remember not to poke a hamster with a pencil. 

1:  Although being a parent is the most difficult job you will ever have, you should not consider it a job.  You should consider it a labor of love.  This will change your perspective as to what you think you should be accomplishing in the course of a day.  There will be days when you conquer the world, and days when inertia takes over totally.  No big deal.  No one is going to give you a pink slip except yourself.

2.  It doesn't matter if you do not do all the chores before you go to sleep.  They are all going to be waiting for you in the morning.  In the morning you will be bright eyed and bushytailed and not catatonic.  So if you fall asleep with Alex, before Alex falls asleep, it is no big deal if there are things left undone (as long as Alex doesn't decide to leave home while you are sleeping).

3. Don't worry what other children do or accomplish.  It is more important for a child to learn not to poke a hamster with a pencil because it will hurt the hamster, than to learn that hamster begins with the letter "h".  In other words, at this point the only really important thing you can impart to your child is a sense of right and wrong, compassion and sensitivity to other living things and honesty.  Cognitive learning comes sooner or later to every child in some degree.  Values tend to skip a few kids.

General Petraeus Scandal: Enter the 1st Annual Pool

Hello everyone,

Welcome to the “Man on Third” first annual (well, hopefully not annual) David Petraeus Scandal Pool.  New information comes out every day as the scandal gets broader and more unbelievable.    But, there are so many questions still left to answer. 

Here’s your chance to put your best scandal knowledge to good use.  No entry fee required.  Give your best guess to the questions below either in the comment section or email me directly. The person with the most correct answers will receive a 1^st edition (I’m assuming there’s only one edition) copy, signed by me, of All In: The Education of David Petraeus, written by our favorite classified document hoarder and “anonymous” email sender, Paula Broadwell.   

 

1. How many women will ultimately announce publicly that they’ve had an affair with David Petraeus? 

    a. Two

    b. Five

    c. Eight

    d. Just call him Tiger Petraeus

 

2. Do you believe that Jill Kelley is? (more than one answer ok)

    a. Running a Heidi Fleiss-like service

    b. Just a military groupie seeking fame and power

    c. A Tampa socialite who likes men in uniform

    d. Related to Kate Gosselin, Rielle Hunter or Octomom

 

3. What excuse will Jill Kelley ultimately give for her actions? (more than one answer ok)

    a. My husband is really the ring leader

    b. My sister and I were abused as children

    c. I have a substance abuse problem

    d. That’s how we roll in Tampa

 

4. How many tell-all books will be written by the main characters?

    a. 1

    b. 2

    c. 3

    d. 4

    e. More than 4

 

5. Which one of these couples will come out and say there were truly in love? (more than one answer ok)

    a. Shirtless FBI guy and Jill Kelley

    b. David Petraeus and Paula Broadwell

    c. General Allen and Jill Kelley

    d. David Petraeus and Jill Kelley

    e. David Petraeus and General Allen

    f. Some other combination of these crazy people

 

6. How many divorces will result from this scandal?

    a. 0

    b. 1

    c. 2

    d. 3

    e. more than 3

 

7. The spouses of which individual will stand by their man/woman at the “come clean” press conference? (more than one answer ok)

    a. David Petraeus

    b. General Allen

    c. Paula Broadwell

    d. Jill Kelley

    e. Shirtless FBI guy

 

8. Where did Paula Broadwell get all the classified documents?

    a. David Petraeus

    b. General Allen

    c. Different Pentagon/CIA sources yet to be announced

    d. She has clearance so no big deal

    e. She stole them

 

9. Who is the most likely to face criminal charges?

    a. Paula Broadwell

    b. Shirtless FBI guy

    c. Jill Kelley and her husband

    d. General Allen

    e. David Petraeus

 

10. When does Gloria Allred enter the picture?

    a. By the time you finish reading this question

    b. End of the week

    c. End of the year

    d. She will pass on this opportunity

 

11. What was General Allen really emailing Jill Kelley about? 

    a. Their affair

    b. Just inappropriate flirting, nothing more

    c. Recipes he saw on Pinterest

    d. Tampa military parties

    e. Whether it’s true that Tampa is Florida’s largest open-water estuary

 

12. When the inevitable porn movie comes out, it is most likely to be called?

    a. Barely Legal: C.I.Asses

    b. All In: The Education of General Please-Lay-Us

    c. Tampa Twins Take On Central Cum-mand

 

13. Will shirtless FBI guy turn out to be?

    a. Jill Kelley’s jilted lover or high school crush

    b. Friends with Anthony Weiner

    c. Just an FBI guy doing his job

    d. Right wing anti-Obama guy

 

14. Jill Kelley will have her own reality show or be part of one called?

    a. Real Housewives of Tampa

    b. Keeping up with the Kelleys

    c. Survivor: Centcom edition

    d. Dancing with the Stars

My Hometown and Thoughts on Sandy

 “People would rather live in homes regardless of its grayness. There is no place like home.”

― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

I’ve been thinking all week whether there was anything I could write about Sandy and its devastation to the east coast.  Was there something I could say that hasn’t been said this week (not really) or that I just wanted to get off my chest?  I sat down on Friday to write something about the meaning of the word selfish and how it applied to all of those involved in the NYC marathon – I opened up my laptop and saw breaking news that Mayor Bloomberg canceled the race and didn’t think I could therefore add anything.  As a PR guy I only wish he had come out and said something like, “I made an incredibly bad decision to try to hold the marathon this weekend and put many people – including the runners – in a terribly difficult position.  I’m really sorry that I didn’t cancel the race earlier which was a fairly obvious thing to do.  I’m now substituting that bad decision with a good one and canceling the race.” 

I also thought of writing something on my love/hate relationship with social media and how it’s an amazing source of news from friends/family and officials, but at the same time, I have issues that my twitter feed last week was filled with requests from news outlets to “send us your photos of others people misfortune.  Go out into the hurricane so we can post your Instagram photo but remember be safe.”  I’m sorry, but if news outlets have no problem sending photographers to Bagdad, they can figure out a way to get photos of the devastation without asking citizens to do it for them.  I have no issue with people taking photos, I have a problem with the request (perhaps more on that at a later date). 

I thought about writing about climate change, but I really know very little about the subject except that it’s pretty obvious something’s going on.  Perhaps 5-10 other topics came into my head, such as why hurricanes have names – are they trying to humanize them?  Tornadoes and earthquakes don’t have names.  And why people names? I think we’d all be fine if the hurricane was a number.  By the way, you can read this if you’re interested in the history of hurricane names. http://www.history.com/news/why-do-hurricanes-have-names

 As the week went on, it became obvious that my hometown of Staten Island was hit incredibly hard by the hurricane.  While my family is ok and just dealing with loss of power and long gas lines, many families on Staten Island are not nearly as fortunate.  Seeing your hometown – which is mostly considered the step-child of New York City – on CNN is actually quite scary.  It means something bad is happening.  The only other time I can remember seeing Staten Island on TV this much is following September 11 since so many firemen and police who went up the buildings were from SI.  

I’ve never been particularly proud of being from Staten Island.  For me, it was a hometown that as soon as you could, you would leave, whether to New Jersey, Manhattan or in my case San Francisco – and, you know, try something grand.  I’m not sure what it was really: the lack of diversity, that it was oh so close to New York City, but just too far way to commute every day?  Was it because it was home to the largest garbage dump known to man?  Or maybe, it was none of the above and that kids just leave their hometowns – that’s what we do.  I know that when I visit “home”, I don’t go to Staten Island where my parents still live, but instead prefer to spend my time in New York City. 

But, this week gave me a chance to think hard about my hometown.  Of the five boroughs, Staten Island is the one you would pick last for a kickball game. Manhattan is well, Manhattan – like comparing Modesto to San Francisco; Brooklyn is hip, the Bronx is tough and has the Yankees, and Queens, well I have no idea what Queens has, but most people think it’s more than Staten Island.  I regret that when a meet someone new, I tell them I’m from Brooklyn (technically correct) since it just sounds, well, cooler.  I’m sure I’m not the only one.  But, the thing is, you can never erase where you’re from, and I don’t want to.  Sure, I didn’t grow up on the upper West Side, but as I watch on TV the devastation of places I’ve been to so many times, it makes me realize just how much where I’m from means to me and how it shaped who I am.  It’s the moments in time that I shared with so many people that can’t be replaced even if the actual locations are washed away.  The countless baseball games at Great Kills Park, going for a run at Gateway, driving up and down Hylan Blvd to all the movie theaters, going with my mom to the kiddie amusement park by Father Capadano Blvd and playing skee-ball until my arms hurt, watching my brother fly his do-it-yourself rockets at Miller Field and running for cover as they inevitably went horizontal, bowling at Bowling on the Green and eating french fries, and perhaps, even, sitting on a life guard chair (not by myself) at Gateway beach on a Friday night listening to the waves, small as they were, come in. 

My hometown is where I grew up.  My hometown shaped who I am and what I believe in.  My hometown is family and friends and Nunzio’s pizza on Midland Avenue.  My hometown is Staten Island. 

Sandy can take away many of those places, but she can’t have the memories, only time has that kind of power.   

Neil

P.S. A special “Man on Third” shout out to some of my friends on Staten Island, Long Island and New Jersey who are doing amazing, inspiring (and I don’t throw that word around lightly) work to help those who really need it.  You all define the word community.    

 

 

My Problem with Lance: The End Doesn't Justify Being Mean

Pop Quiz: Who said the following:

a) "It became clear to me that, given the widespread use of performance enhancing drugs by cyclists at the top of the profession, it was not possible to compete at the highest level without them.”

b) "I respect them and think they have integrity.  They’re proud of their achievements in college, and sometimes the only way you could’ve gotten there is to kind of botch your ethics for a couple things.”

c) "I realized from an early stage that the financial & investment market is a whole rigged job.  There’s no chance that investors have in this market.”

You’d be correct if you said a) George Hincapie, 15-time Tour de France cyclist who recently admitted to doping and b) a former student of Stuyvesant high school in New York commenting in a New York Times article about 71 students caught cheating on a physics regents exam. (I’ll tell you the answer to C at the end).

And here, folks, is my main issue with Lance Armstrong.  One could have many issues: he lied, cheated, stole (yes, stole from his sponsors and other riders), he defrauded and disrespected all of us.  But, the biggest issue I have is that he’s shown us, especially the young people of the world who were just kids when he won his first Tour de France, that cheating and lying is ok as long as it’s for a good cause.  If you make millions cheating and lying while riding a bike, it’s ok as long as you start a cancer foundation that inspires millions of people.

Yes, the same person can lie for a decade to everyone and at the same time be an inspiration to millions.  I'm not arguing that's not possible -- I'm arguing that it's not ok, they don't balance out, the end doesn’t justify the means.  By the same token, if you cheat on your exams in high school, it’s ok as long as you get into a good college and become a doctor or the next Mark Zuckerberg.

Maybe in the short term one could rationalize this approach to life, but to me, aren't we just telling people that if you lie and cheat, make sure you do something good to balance it out and everything will be cool?   It's great that Mr. Armstrong helped so many cancer survivors, but now isn't his credibility so damaged that his power to serve others is diminished too?  Will people flock to his Foundation the way they used to, will corporate sponsors move on to less tainted organizations?  By cheating, he's denied his, and his organization’s opportunity to help so many more people.

As a society, are we really ok with that?  Do we continue to support him after he let us down?  And, what have we really learned?  I can cheat on my taxes as long as I give to charity.  I can steal groceries if I work at a food shelter.  Would we feel different about Bernie Madoff if he was giving some of his profits to help the homeless?  Would we feel different if Jeffrey Skilling (Enron) helped fight hunger in Africa?  If your first thought was “Hey, that’s different than Lance” I only ask that you to come up with real reasons as to why you think that.  The only rationale I can think of is that cancer affects nearly everyone and that Lance has a much better PR machine. 

Oh, and by the way, the answer to “C” is Bernie Madoff from a New York Magazine article.  According to Wikipedia, he donated approximately $6 million to lymphoma research after his son was diagnosed with the disease.

NC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Marisa You're So Fine...

The French philosopher Voltaire said, “Common sense, it’s not that common.” 

I thought about this quote when I heard that Marisa Mayer, the new CEO of Yahoo, who gave birth to a baby boy on October 1, had emailed numerous contacts to “crowdsource” a name for the baby.  No, I did not make that up.  Now, if you’re up on your Silicon Valley news, you know that Marisa Mayer is a few months into her CEO role at Yahoo after serving as a Vice President for many years at Google during which time she amassed a fortune north of $300 million.  She’s married to a philanthropist (incidentally, the only other person I know described as a philanthropist is Bruce Wayne) named Zachary Bogue.  You know that she’s going to try to turn Yahoo around – an incredibly tall task given the rapid pace of technology – and you know her first incredibly strategic move was to provide free lunch for employees.  You also know that countless bloggers, media and experts in you-name-it have discussed her much maligned (sorry, showing my bias there) decision to take a 1-2 week maternity leave (“working the entire time”) following the birth of her yet-to-be named child. 

I want to be clear about something before I go further. I don’t know Ms. Mayer or her husband, and I doubt I ever will.  By all accounts, she’s successful, brilliant, accomplished and easy-on-the-eyes (I only wrote that because it’s in EVERY story you read about her).  I feel uncomfortable judging a person I’ve never met, especially when it comes to their personal life – as I would hate for someone to judge me.  Everything about her maternity leave and whether “she can have it all” has already been said and all I can contribute is that it’s her decision, no matter what I or anyone else thinks.

But, I do feel comfortable discussing one small but significant part of this story.  And that is her decision-making ability, because it’s relevant to her role as CEO, the thousands of employees she’s responsible for, the people like me who use Yahoo, and all of Yahoo’s investors. 

The main responsibility of a CEO is to make decisions, difficult decisions, and be able to “sell” them.  I recently read a story about President Obama in Vanity Fair, and I’m paraphrasing here, but he basically said that his decisions are by definition hard and a President has to be comfortable with probabilities because if a decision wasn’t hard it would have already been solved by someone else before he sees it.  Isn’t that mostly the same for a Fortune 500 CEO?  So, what does it say that given nine months to decide, Ms. Mayer and her husband couldn’t decide on a name?

Giving your child a name can indeed be difficult – it’s subjective, there’s no right answer, may require negotiation and compromise, and most importantly, it’s a long-term decision as your child will bear it the rest of his life – exactly the type of decision that she’ll need to make if she wants to turn around Yahoo.  And unlike many of the decisions she’ll make it Yahoo, she had months to settle on a name that she liked.  When my wife and I decided on a name for our baby boy, I had a few rules – nothing too trendy that would be weird when he was 35, not a verb like mine, and if he was going to get beat up in school, it couldn’t be because of his name.  That’s it.  We agreed that his middle name “Chase” could be the more trendy name since it would be his decision on whether to use it or not.

Ms. Mayer didn’t merely stumble over making a decision.  Perhaps worse yet, she “phoned a friend.”  From what I’ve read, she didn’t just ask her family, which would be ok and pretty normal.   She instead sent a email to many people – even reporters -- thus exposing her inability to make this very critical and personal decision.  I hope for the sake of everyone associated with Yahoo, and that of her newborn son, that this was just an anomaly and she thought it was cute and funny.  I recognize that crowdsourcing is trendy and democratic but I want my CEO to have a plan and be decisive. 

While I’m at it, I am sad to think Ms. Mayer’s son will use Bogue as his last name.  I had some very creative ideas if she stuck with Mayer (John?  Oscar?).   But, perhaps Vogue Bogue works – Ms. Mayer can honor her now-famous profile story in the ultimate fashion bible. Vogue Bogue has some character.   It’s prestigious, it’s timeless, it’s trendy – and best of all, if he gets beat up at the playground, at least mom and dad will know why.

NC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting: A Perfect Game

My dad has given me some of the best advice.  Overwhelmed as a senior in college by my friends getting great (on paper), well paying jobs while I wasn’t, he said to me, "It's not where you start, Neil, it's where you finish."    

My two-year old son goes to a parent cooperative nursery school.  This means that the parents "run" the school.  My wife and I thought it would be good for Alex to have one of us in class with him and we thought it might help us build our own community of parents.  So far, we really like it. Alex is doing well and play dates are being set up as I write this. 

Here's what they don't tell you in the brochure.  Every kid who attends the class is perfect.  No really, they're perfect.  All you have to do is ask their parents. 

Last week I attended our first night “class” for parents, where we learn more about our child’s development. We sat in a circle – just like our kids – and were asked to discuss our child's favorite toy, how he/she is liking school so far, and if there's anything other parents should know about our child that would help us all work on their development.

Being a rookie nursery school parent, I, and a few other parents, assumed that people would be open and forthcoming.  Mistake!  The first two people go on and on..."Oh, Sammy just loves school, he sings all the songs, he can name all 64 crayons and can recite the alphabet backward while standing on his head on a swing."  Next person, same thing.  "Ariel is just great...she loves to read and puts on full puppet shows with her dolls, and oh did I mention that she sewed all the outfits for her dolls."  

Then, I go.  "Well, you know, Alex seems to like school, I think he’s getting used to it, but you know, we're working with him on using a spoon correctly, being able to sit at a table to eat without falling off the chair, he's not talking that much, but, you know, he’s two and he wakes up with a smile on his face which is what really matters to us.”  Feeling good about myself, I smile to everyone, crack a nervous joke about his favorite toy and look to the person to my left…"Oh, Kiefer, well, he's just a dream, he sings ‘Wheels on the Bus’ flawlessly, writes computer code and can tie his shoes, oh, and he's toilet trained."  This goes on for 90 minutes, and with only a few notable exceptions, every other kid is perfect.  

Many of these kids are truly gifted and seem way more advanced than any development milestone list I’ve reviewed.  Great for them, that’s awesome, and I would like nothing more than for them to continue to grow – the world needs more great people.  Here’s the catch: I see them twice a week and they are far from perfect.    

But that's not the point – the kids aren’t telling us they are perfect, their parents are.  But why?  Why do Sammy/Ariel/Kiefer need to be portrayed as perfect when nobody is perfect?  I've met a ton of adults in my life and with the lone exception of my wife, I've yet to meet a perfect person.  In fact, most people have lots of stuff they still haven’t figured out, most of which could be traced all the way back to childhood (mine can).  

To me, it’s about fear – a fear of failing.  Fear that other parents will think you’re not a good parent.  Fear that your child isn’t going to be the smartest in the class, fear that he’ll get picked last for kickball, fear that she won’t be cool.  And the fear most of all that it will all reflect back on you.  In short, we’ll fail – so we try to convince ourselves we aren’t failing by telling everyone else how well we’re doing (just look at Facebook for 5 minutes – my posts included)

The biggest regrets I have in my life I can easily trace back to being unwilling to fail.  Simple things like asking out a girl, or becoming a pitcher in high school when asked, not sticking with piano, going abroad during college...all of it, I can trace back to being stupidly paralyzed by fear of rejection or failure.  We all have our examples, whether we’ll admit it or not.

So, here's what I say -- let your kids fail -- A LOT -- make it safe, make it a learning opportunity, but let them fail.  And start now, by not presenting them as perfect -- that's way too much of a burden for them.  If Johnny craps on the floor, let us know.  If Susie beheads her dolls, by all means, tell us.  You're trying to build a person for the long-term, a person who is happy when they're 10, 20, 30, 40.  

Perhaps, I’m too simplistic and maybe even unrealistic and I'm setting up my son for some harsh lessons, but I’d like to think of parenting as being able to answer these two questions: Is my child happy or sad?  Does he/she know right from wrong?  Love, honesty, integrity, empathy, fun, being charitable, trustworthiness -- they all flow from understanding and living up to these two questions.   

And, if we're lucky enough to have a child that's more happy than sad and does more right than wrong, well, then, I guess you can say that they’re perfect (and you are too). 

NC